We've all been there...
You're really really feeling this guy (or girl). You like the way he smiles, the way he dresses, the way he smells, you even like the way he talks. Maybe you see him all the time at your gym, or maybe at work. Eventually, fueled by the stares that you shoot his way when you think he's not looking, he asks for your number. You two talk on the phone for a week or so and he seems pretty cool. Now it's time for the first date. You're on for dinner, a movie, or that local poetry spot that's hot. The date is over and he drops you off at your house. Before leaving, he gives you a hug and tells you he will call you tomorrow. You guys go out a few more times. He's really feeling you, but somewhere in between dinner and the movies, he fell into the dreaded...FRIEND ZONE.
For those of you who don't know what I mean when I say "friend zone," it's basically when a guy or girl falls into the role of a platonic friend. That means you will probably never EVER have sex.
Signs that you have crossed over into the dark side would be...
-She has referred to you as being: like a brother. (or sister for you guys)
-She may make it a point to say phrases like, "Hey buddy," or "What's up friend." (notice the emphasis)
-She talks to you like she would a girlfriend. You know, about guys who she thinks are hot.
-She avoids any direct sexual conversation, especially if it involves any possibility of the act being between you and her.
-She doesn't want you to touch her in any kind of sexual way.
If you are experiencing any of these mentioned above with your lady friend...Houston, you have a problem. I'm sure you're probably wondering how you even got in there to begin with.
Here are common reasons why guys (or girls) may end up in that not so fun place...
-It took you too long to initiate physical contact. First, this does not mean sex...I repeat DOES NOT MEAN SEX. This one mostly applies to guys since they are usually the aggressor. Maybe you are a shy guy and you were afraid to go in for a kiss. It's true that a lot of women don't kiss on the first date, but if you guys have had your third and fourth date and there's still no tongue action, especially when it's obvious that she's feeling you, it's a major turn-off.
-Not his/her type (physically). Not being someones type can easily knock you into a friend's only relationship. Maybe he likes thick girls but you're skinny or he likes blonde's but you're brunette. It could even be that she likes tall guys but you're short. This can be unfortunate because some of these things can be changed, while some are attributes that you're stuck with.
-Not his/her type (personality or goals). Sometimes becoming "buddy" happens because of your personality or goals (or lack of). Maybe you're too egotistic and she hates cocky guys. Or maybe he wants a girl who is a career woman but you aspire to be a stay at home mom. You may not know that he or she has these feelings because he may not have shared them with you. He/she maybe have simply vowed to leave you and your situation alone.
-No sexual connection. This one is probably the most unfortunate of the lot. Either you have it or you don't. You can't tell your body..."Umm, I'm not getting butterflies with him...get it together!" And for the record...if it's not there before sex, it's not gonna be there after so don't waste your time!! That sexual connection is about the natural chemistry between you and him and when you got that...whewww!
Now once you've entered the friend zone, it's almost impossible to get out, but don't worry I have good news. There are some cases where it's doable...
-If it took too long for you guys to make that physical connection, it's still possible to slide back into the picture, but you will have to put in a lot of work. Make her know that you are still interested. Go above and beyond what guys normally do, because most of the time, especially with women, when we're turned off there's no turning us back on. Explain to her that you were only taking your time with her, respecting her as a woman. If you do this it's a strong possibility she will give you a do over, but if she doesn't sorry to say it but she's likely to have already decided that "You are probably gay."
-If it's the case of you're not his/her type physically, you could do the obvious. Lose weight, gain weight, dye your hair, or change whatever your issue may be, but don't jeopardize who you are. If you want to drop lbs do it because you want to do it.
-Now if you guys aren't vibing on personality type or goals, then that can also be overcome if you change but again, don't jeopardize yourself. And please don't be fake to please another person. Especially when it comes to your career & life, date someone whose goals can match your own. You only have one life so you should live it the way you want to and do what makes you happy.
-Last but not least, sexual connection...unless you change, this won't so...don't hold your breath.
Overall I think that people (mainly men) are in denial when they are in the friend zone. I'm sure some of you are reading this right now thinking, "I know this ain't me." So naive! So ladies I want you to do something. Send a link of this post to all of your guy friends who you know have a problem falling into tha zone....and men you do the same...lol
Here are common reasons why guys (or girls) may end up in that not so fun place...
-It took you too long to initiate physical contact. First, this does not mean sex...I repeat DOES NOT MEAN SEX. This one mostly applies to guys since they are usually the aggressor. Maybe you are a shy guy and you were afraid to go in for a kiss. It's true that a lot of women don't kiss on the first date, but if you guys have had your third and fourth date and there's still no tongue action, especially when it's obvious that she's feeling you, it's a major turn-off.
-Not his/her type (physically). Not being someones type can easily knock you into a friend's only relationship. Maybe he likes thick girls but you're skinny or he likes blonde's but you're brunette. It could even be that she likes tall guys but you're short. This can be unfortunate because some of these things can be changed, while some are attributes that you're stuck with.
-Not his/her type (personality or goals). Sometimes becoming "buddy" happens because of your personality or goals (or lack of). Maybe you're too egotistic and she hates cocky guys. Or maybe he wants a girl who is a career woman but you aspire to be a stay at home mom. You may not know that he or she has these feelings because he may not have shared them with you. He/she maybe have simply vowed to leave you and your situation alone.
-No sexual connection. This one is probably the most unfortunate of the lot. Either you have it or you don't. You can't tell your body..."Umm, I'm not getting butterflies with him...get it together!" And for the record...if it's not there before sex, it's not gonna be there after so don't waste your time!! That sexual connection is about the natural chemistry between you and him and when you got that...whewww!
Now once you've entered the friend zone, it's almost impossible to get out, but don't worry I have good news. There are some cases where it's doable...
-If it took too long for you guys to make that physical connection, it's still possible to slide back into the picture, but you will have to put in a lot of work. Make her know that you are still interested. Go above and beyond what guys normally do, because most of the time, especially with women, when we're turned off there's no turning us back on. Explain to her that you were only taking your time with her, respecting her as a woman. If you do this it's a strong possibility she will give you a do over, but if she doesn't sorry to say it but she's likely to have already decided that "You are probably gay."
-If it's the case of you're not his/her type physically, you could do the obvious. Lose weight, gain weight, dye your hair, or change whatever your issue may be, but don't jeopardize who you are. If you want to drop lbs do it because you want to do it.
-Now if you guys aren't vibing on personality type or goals, then that can also be overcome if you change but again, don't jeopardize yourself. And please don't be fake to please another person. Especially when it comes to your career & life, date someone whose goals can match your own. You only have one life so you should live it the way you want to and do what makes you happy.
-Last but not least, sexual connection...unless you change, this won't so...don't hold your breath.
Overall I think that people (mainly men) are in denial when they are in the friend zone. I'm sure some of you are reading this right now thinking, "I know this ain't me." So naive! So ladies I want you to do something. Send a link of this post to all of your guy friends who you know have a problem falling into tha zone....and men you do the same...lol
I think I covered them all but if you disagree, feel free to comment.
Posts
I think that you are right on the money with this article. The only thing I would add is the one about sexual connection. Say for instance the person was 'trying to be a gentleman' because he thought you wouldn't go for a aggressive or freaky type of guy. If he realizes or you tell him that you aren't feeling the whole over the top chivalry act and he decides to become himself then the sexual connection could easily come and be very strong. But overall this post is great!
ReplyDeleteIt seems like women are at an advantage when it comes to the friend-zone.
ReplyDeleteBut guys can put women in the friend-zone while we're still having chex with you on the reg.
@anon 9:10
ReplyDeleteI totally agree with u...women are definitely at an advantage when it comes to the friend zone. This is because of the typical "roles" the different sexes play in our society. And yes...men will usually "smash" the homey...lol
The dreaded "Friend Zone"... Many times have I marched into that cold and desolate wasteland.
ReplyDeleteBanished to this somber stretch of country by rejections icy hand.
For many there are no clear road signs to warn along the way.
Upon arrival one often wonders "Where along the path did I stray?"
It is a fruitless, barren, and wretched patch of ground.
Not many who find themselves there know an exit to be found.
What may I do to make this cursed earth produce bounty so rich?
What must I do to gain the love of that silly...?
lol I'm sorry I had to end it that way to keep from getting depressed on the subject. I guess the "Friend Zone" is here now and forever. Feelings are feelings and don't seem to operate by any line of conventional logic.
Speaking from a male perspective, I can say that things along the lines of sexual attraction are instantaneous for us. We know who we would willing engage in carnal union with within a few minutes of meeting them. We would definitely put up with alot of "flaws" when sexually attracted to a woman (physical attraction being a big factor for us) but I feel that us guys have far less room for error.
As for avoiding the "Friend Zone"... You've definitely given some awesome tips but it still seems tricky. Much like deciphering ancient text thats been misspelled in the first place. You've got all the pieces but they still don't make any sense any way you arrange them.
Take for instance the last female I was involved with. She repeatedly kicked me down the cliff of her rejection. Sending me tumbling into the "Friend Zone" like a helpless crash test dummy...but there has always been a strong physical attraction. Which makes the whole ordeal contradictory and puzzling. Sometimes the signals just become too hard to read and we need a little help. Alot of guys just don't want to cross the comfort line because that would be the "endgame". Maintaining comfort seems to be paramount when dealing with a woman so most guys will avoid opportunities even when they're almost entirely sure they've been given "The Ol' Good-to-go"... be it a kiss or something more.
I myself have passed on opportunities that I was almost certain of but wasn't entirely sure but in retrospect realized that I had the "Thumbs Up". With one of these women...I can't even get the time of day now. Its like I was hit on the back of the head and woke up in "The Friend Zone" wondering what happened.
@anon 11:48
ReplyDeletePreach brotha!!! I think you have a very valid point & I'll just leave it at that.
BTW Nice poem! *snapping fingers*